#DeepStuff

school daze

*Guess who’s back? Back again?*

Okay, swiftly moving on. So, after like four months of not updating this blog – I’m finally back with another update. And honestly, I’m kind of glad that I’ve managed to give myself a nice kick a la derriere at get back to writing, because it feels so good already!

Anyway, I have SO much to update, so expect a good couple of posts containing the low-down on my first four months at school, the PLL Summer Finale (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT), my new youtube channel and not to mention my new book (out now on Wattpad, find it on my ‘stories’ tab at the top of the page). So, let’s get started!

Okay, first I’m probably going to talk about school. 

 

Moving to a new school: Four months on

If you guys didn’t know, I started a new school at the beginning of March this year, which was a totally unexpected and new experience for me, as I have never moved school before (apart from leaving primary), and you can read about my first week here. So now, four months on and currently on my summer holidays, I’m going to tell you about my first four months at a new school.

Okay, so first things first, I’m going to talk about settling in. Often where you start a new school/club/thing etc. you have this sort of ‘honeymoon’ phase where everything feels perfect and stable and pretty much normal – until that facade kind of crumbles, and you realise that it’s not always that simple. I would phrase it like this. It didn’t take me long to settle in at my new school, but feeling a sense of belonging, and sense that you are a part of something can take a really long time – and in my case, I’m not quite sure if I’ve reached that place yet, but I’m working towards it. A  part of me can’t wait to go back in September, and finally get ~that feeling~ (and another part of me is also dreading it). So, yeah.

I guess the type of school you go to, and also the type of person you are both play a part in how long it takes to make you feel like you belong. My school, as I have said before in a small, all-girls school. And most of these girls have known each other since Year 7, some even longer than that. They’ve basically grown up together: they’ve gone through the struggles, and the fallouts and the drama – and the fact is, there has been a lot of that at my school, and coming in as an outsider halfway through Year 9 is inevitably harder than it looks.

So many things have happened that I haven’t been there for – and some of these things have made people the way they are today, so it’s like you’re just bursting in, whilst having no idea what has happened in the past, and how that has affected everyone. I’m trying my best not to sound like a downright pessimist (I’m probably failing lol), but if you are starting a new school, you need to be prepared for things like this, because even though it may not have happened at your old school, the truth it you have no idea what’s happened before you’ve come along, and that’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.

Also, I mentioned that the type of person you are also plays a part – but I’m not necessarily referring to be shy/outgoing etc. – because it’s not always that black and white. As a person, I guess you could say that I’m the sort of person who likes to be friends with everyone, and make no enemies. However, in the real world, there is no such thing as being ‘liked by everybody.’ In my first few months, I have felt so paranoid and self-conscious that sometimes the thought of school would make me feel like throwing up (thankfully, I never acted on my thoughts) – I was so anxious that people didn’t like me, that I would over-analyse every word, every facial expression that someone gave me – and to be honest, it made me miserable. I don’t believe anyone has ever said that school was easy, but it felt bad that I was feeling so uncomfortable and so wrong in a school that I had been to for a couple of months now. And things had to change.

Yet, however much I talked with people – my friends, my head of house, my mum – I still couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so out of place. I would look at other people who had moved schools who looked so happy, and constantly wonder why that couldn’t happen to me. I felt as if there was a switch that just had to be clicked, and suddenly I would feel like I’d been here all along. But it never did. Soon, I began to question if it was myself. Maybe I was the problem that was standing in front of my own happiness at school. Yet, it felt like I had done everything right. I worked hard, I joined sports teams, I talked to everyone I saw and joked and laughed. But still, a little of piece of me felt wrong, much to my frustration.

And soon it got worse. Being at school honestly and plainly made me feel depressed. Everytime I stepped foot in school, this feeling – kind of like a heavy stone would weigh down on me and by lunchtime it felt like I was drowning in my own self-inflicted despair. I would end up crying a lot of the time, but when people asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t even say – which, if you’ve been there before, you’d know that it’s the most frustrating thing ever. People want to help you, but you can’t even help them help you because you don’t even know what’s wrong yourself. It’s a horrible feeling.

Anyway, soon it was July and I began counting down the days to summer. Some days were good, fantastic even – and other days I felt like I wanted to leave and never come back. On the last day of school, my whole class went for a picnic after school by the river. We sat in a giant circle on the bandstand, talked, ate pizza (Dominoes, though) and shared memories. Obviously, there weren’t very many memories I could share in my mere four months, but listening to their stories made me realise that although everyone in my class has their own friendship groups – they were all still a family, in a weird, dysfunctional sort of way. And even though we won’t wont be in the same classes (or any classes, for that matter) in Year 10, I hope that I can become a part of that. Belong.

 

Okay so I know this one was kinda deep and I was so not expecting that to be the case at all – but in any case, I’m glad I wrote it because it helped me get things off my chest – and hopefully it will help you too. Anyway, there will be some more posts coming soon, so stay tuned!

Tolu

PS: Please enjoy the hilarious school meme above.

totally tolu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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